Tears

I’m so tired. 

I’m tired of being home. I’m tired of not seeing my friends and family. I’m tired of not having anything to look forward to. I’m tired of seeing my kids ALL DAY EVERY DAY. I’m tired of being grubby all the time and not having any real reason to get ready. I’m tired of this feeling. I’m tired of feeling mostly sad all day without my friends. 

I’m such an extrovert. This quarantine mess has really got me down. Now, don’t get me wrong, I’m not depressed. But this is for the birds. I need my girlfriends. I need my mama. I need my Mexican food!!!

I need reasons to go somewhere “essential.”  If I don’t start getting out of this house regularly there will be more tears. Today at lunch I was draining the goop off the top of my dip...you know, when it’s already been opened and there’s goop on top. I tipped my French onion dip over the sink to drain it and the whole dang tub of dip plopped into the sink. 

😭😭😭😭😭

I for real cried. I’m not even sorry about it. It’s not just that my dip fell in the sink, I salvaged what I could and ate it with lunch. It’s just everything,  you know. It’s so hard to keep the kids away from the neighbors. It’s so hard to be here for them to talk to NON STOP all day. It’s so hard to feed them sooooo many times a day, a week?! Gosh the food. 

It’s just hard. So I cried. It doesn’t seem like it’s gonna get better anytime soon either. So if you’re out there crying too, just know you’re not alone. 

Easter sure is different this year. But I know Sunday’s still coming...and Jesus is alive!!! 

Bubby is TEN!!!

This one's for the boy. 

Today my son, my first born, my Lincoln turns 10!!!

Yes, this post is a few days late. 🤷🏻‍♀️

Double digits! I'm getting misty-eyed just typing that!

He has fierce emotions...it's AWESOME or it's terrible, there's almost no in between. He adores Lala and tolerates Aspen. Though he won’t tell you they talk, sing, and laugh far into the night while sharing their bunk beds 

He loves pizza, spaghetti, sweet tea, Fanta, and Sprite, though he doesn't get those drinks very often. His favorite color is orange and he LOVES fast cars. Ask him about Mustangs, Bugatti, or Lamborghini...he can probably give you stats. 

He is amazing at all things kinesthetic. If it has wheels he can ride it, if it has a steering wheel he can drive it, and he probably has one! You should see our ride-on toys. 🤦‍♀️

He loves to snuggle, but probably wouldn't want me telling anyone. He's one of the best hug givers I know. He's very smart and loves one-on-one attention.

This boy made me a mom. He surely holds a special piece of my heart. Love you forever, like you for always, as long as I'm living my baby you'll be. <3

Today we ran away

We ran away to the mountains today for a while. A bit to calm the stir-crazy we know is coming as we settle into Shelter in Place.

 Littlest said the water was COLD!!!

We were extremely careful, got near no one, touched nothing except nature, and enjoyed the beautiful sunshine and warm weather.

We’re seriously moving into protection mode for Anthony. He’s a front-line healthcare worker entering multiple homes on a daily basis. His transplant saved his life 6 years ago and we want to keep him around as long as possible.

Twice a day he takes medicines that suppress his immune system. He has NO way to fight if he gets this virus. He loves his job and will continue to work as long as it’s deemed safe. He doesn’t enter homes of symptomatic patients, wears PPE as needed, and cleans and sanitizes.

But here at home we’re tightening it up. No more visits, separating from neighborhood kids, and my kids haven’t seen the inside of a store in weeks. We’ll do everything we can to protect him and other vulnerable people. 

You do your part. 

#stayhome

Kindergarten is coming

My heart starts beating fast. I feel a tightening of my chest, like something pressing on me. I have to stop and think about taking deep breaths.

No I'm not watching a scary movie...I'm thinking about sending Lincoln to school!

Just the mere thought of letting him leave me every day makes me have what feels like a mild panic attack. And it's not because I'm some crazy momma who can't let her kids go. (I don't think.) It's really, truly because I know the world. I know what will happen to him. I've already been there and I don't want my precious boy to go through it.

People will be mean, kids won't like him, teachers will fuss at him, girls will break his heart, people will make him mad. I just want to cradle his innocence in my hands and keep it forever. He's never heard curse words. He doesn't have a vocabulary of dirty words. He doesn't know that people are often mean on purpose. He doesn't know the story doesn't always end happily ever after.

He is so sweet, loving, forgiving, helpful, and precious. He goes out of his way to help me, he adores his little sister, He loves trucks and planes and cars and trains. He loves to read books and play with his cars. He loves music and loves to dance. He loves Disney movies. He's a little water bug and would swim every day if we could. He knows who Jesus is. He knows that He loves us, no matter what. He knows that he will always be forgiven, he only has to ask. He knows he is always protected from people who want to hurt him or be mean to him.

How do I let this precious bundle that God has entrusted to me go? How do I leave him in a building filled with other children and adults and walk away? How do I know they'll love him, take care of him, watch out for him, stick up for him? How do I spend my days without him? How do we rearrange our lives to revolve around school and sports?

Right now I can't even think about it without heart palpations and watery eyes. It is a deadline that is looming over my head like a monstrous black storm cloud. Summer's ending....school is coming. And our lives will be forever changed.

I know...you're saying I should know how this works, I was a teacher. And I say to you, "Exactly!!" I know how mean kids are, I know teachers have bad days, I know things get overlooked, I know bullies get away with way too much, I know that 2nd graders talk about sex. I know some little people have seen more in their 7 years than I have in my 33. I know they'll teach him bad habits and bad words. I know he will come home mad at me some days for no reason at all.

What I don't know is...how to manage my emotions. I pray every day that God will relieve this stress, worry, fretting, anxiety. I truly don't know how I can drop him off on that first day and leave him behind. It feels like my whole world is changing and nothing will ever be the same again. I don't want to lose who Lincoln is. I don't want him to lose his personality, beliefs, sweetness. I don't want him to not see me as his whole world, his most important person, his best friend. I don't want him to be pressured into the ways of the world. I don't want him to lose sight of what's most important.

So tell me this...how do I hold it together on that BIG day? How do I walk him to class and take his picture without breaking down? How do I keep those tears away until I walk out the door? How do I let him know I'm more proud of him than anything in the whole wide world? How do I focus on this day being one of the biggest days of his life without crying like a baby? I honestly don't know how I'm going to do it. I type this while not just crying, but sobbing. Lincoln is a huge part of my world.

"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." Jeremiah 29:11

July 4, 2014

Ages...it feels like ages have passed!!

We were pretty low-key for the 4th of July this year. We headed to Morganton to see the festival, but it really turned out to be a bust. Several food vendors selling fried everything, and some guys selling junk for $6. Seriously. We played on the play set for a few minutes and high-tailed it outta there!! 

We bought some fireworks last week in Gaffney and shot those off here once it was dark enough to see them. The kids held sparklers...and we managed to escape that undamaged. Barely. It was nerve wracking this year because Aspen was just big enough to do it on her own but small enough to not really listen to how to do it properly. Nerve wracking. Surprised we didn't end up with 2nd degree burns on Lincoln the way she was shaking her sparklers at him!!

When I get my other pictures off my camera I'll add more. 

Anthony also decided it would be fun to have their first father-son camp out in the backyard. An interesting choice of nights since last year the neighbors shot fireworks until the wee hours of the morn! However, they made it all the way through the night. Anthony texted me at 10-40 to say Lincoln had finally fallen asleep. He was so proud of himself he had to rush in and tell me he slept all night in the tent. At 7:30am. Up with the sun they were. 

Aspens not quite ready to stay all night in the tent so we snuggled in our own beds. Nice and comfy. 

Our annual family patriotic photo. 

Love this bunch!! 

Home Life & Clinic

Well here we are....right where he wanted to be. Home. It truly is where the heart is, and where our babies are. That is the best medicine. Sleeping in your own bed can never be equaled. Neither can the simple act of sleeping all night without someone coming it to check your blood pressure or draw 4 vials of blood at 3am. We're enjoying sleeping together again.

Tuesday, 11/18/13, was our first clinic visit. We will go twice a week for at least a month. He had 4 vials of blood drawn, all his vitals were taken, and we talked a lot. A nurse came in to discuss all his meds and how much he's taking. We also reported his urine output, his liquid intake, and the amount of fluid still coming from his drain. Appetizing, I know. I told you I was going to over share! A doctor who is part of the transplant team talked to us about how he's doing and does he have any questions. The pharmacist came to talk to us about meds as well. To make sure we understood what they were all for and that some of them will be in constant flux. Prograf is the anti-rejection medicine he takes. Every time they draw blood they're testing for the level of Prograf in his system. If it's high they lower the dosage, if it's low they raise it. Simple enough. Thankfully they lowered his prednisone dosage today. He's been complaining of being hot, hot, hot and itchy. He can't wait to be finished with that for good. Hopefully only a few weeks more. 

We have to stay close by until his lab results come back. We don't have to stay in the clinic but we have to be close enough to return should they need to do something else or if he should need to be readmitted to the hospital. We went to Hanes Mall and walked around. I had my first Chick-fil-A peppermint milkshake of the season....Mmmmmmm! It was nice to just be out and about after being cooped up in the hospital for so long. Once we got the call that his labs were good we were free to come home. We met Anna for lunch at Hero House and then were on our way. Because we dilly dallied we didn't get home until about 3, but we could've been home way sooner. Hoping that's the case here on out. I don't want to be stuck in the clinic for longer than we have to be. Plus, when I'm not here someone else is taking my kids to preschool and library story time. Someone else is putting them down for naps and playing ball outside. I know it's their grandmother...but it's not me. I'm so thankful that Anthony's insurance allowed us to go to Baptist hospital. If we had to return to Duke for all these appointments it would probably be two overnight visits a week. That's a LONG drive for one day. That is entirely too much time away from my babies.

We left our clinic visit with about 15 other appointments. Several that take ALL day, and one more overnight stay in the hospital. Yuck. But he has to have his PD catheter removed Dec 3-4. That one he will be admitted on the 3rd and have to stay overnight. Observation I guess, he will be anesthetized only with "sleepy juice" but aware during the procedure. He also has to have a stint removed from his new kidney. Where it's connected to the new entrance to the bladder has to be held open. They have to go in and get that. I won't tell you how that's done. Let's just say he's NOT looking forward to it. At All! He feels like he's in a constant state of recovery. He gets several weeks to recover from the huge ordeal of the transplant then he has another procedure. He recovers from that procedure just long enough to be ready for the next one. More and more down time...on the road to recovery. 

However, we continue to be forever grateful and thankful that he has been given this opportunity. To be able to live his life without dialysis and spend more time with his family is amazing. To know he will be around to see his babies graduate and get married is humbling and amazing. Please continue to pray for Amy. She is recovering well but still also has a long road to go before she's completely well again. She was supposed to return to work today but wrote us to let us know she just couldn't. She had tried to push the envelope and go back quickly, but God had other plans and slowed her down. We are praying for you Amy!! Hope you're back on your feet in no time.

A HUGE thank you to our fabulous friends who have been treating us soo good! Jenn Rice brought dinner on Tuesday night, yummy penne pasta with sauce, garlic bread, salad, and cookies. It was so good Anthony went back for seconds. So did Aspen! Tonight we were blessed by Ellee Wallace. She fixed us ground turkey and black bean tacos. Amazing! Seriously, the best taco filling I've ever eaten! Not only did she bring dinner but she brought lunch and breakfast fixings too. I'm so thankful we have people who are willing to take time out of their busy lives to prepare a meal for my family, to show us they love us, and to support us. It's such a good feeling knowing I don't have to fix dinner at the end of a long day battling the kids and all there still has to be done around here. It truly gives me a sense of peace and allows me to spend more time on what matters most: our family.

18 Months & Updates

  

I can't believe it's here...my baby is officially one and a half. It just doesn't seem possible. Here are her 18 month check up stats:

Weight: 24 lbs, 14 ozs (60th percentile)

Height: 32.5 inches (80th percentile)

They measured her head but didn't write it down for me...bummer. 

She is doing everything just fine, Kate says she looks great. 

She has 14 teeth and is about to cut the top two canines. She's chewing on everything! I hope her amber teething necklace really works and gets us though this!

What she's wearing:

12-18 month clothes fit perfectly

We're buying 18-24 month for the fall/winter but they're a little big still

Size 4 disposable diapers, but we do cloth most of the time

Size 6 1/2 shoe!!

We went into Our Hearts and Sole, a kid's shoe store in Hickory, with Aspen wearing a size 5 in Stride Rite. We walked out in a 6 1/2. What a moment of mommy failure! I had no idea her shoes were so small! Mom of the Year. Right here.

What she's "saying"

Aspen can sign

help

outside

more

cup

water

milk

eat

all done

bear

dog

bird

duck

sleep

music

hat

yogurt

daddy

bath

diaper
airplane

She can actually say

mommy

daddy

baby

Every once in a while she tries to say

nana

dadaw

buhbuh (brother)

Overall she's still pretty quiet. She makes jibberish noises and acts like she's talking to herself alot. Kate said she scored a 25 on communication skills and she had to score a minimum of 15. They don't refer for speech until 2 1/2, but she said Aspen doesn't have a problem with speech. She has a problem with verbalizing, she can communicate fine. We're working with her to get her to speak more, but she just doesn't seem interested. She will not try to repeat what you say like Lincoln did. Lincoln made every sound you made, like a parrot. She doesn't have any desire to do that. So I hear mommy and baby about a million times every day!!

She LOVES music and makes the sign every time she hears it and starts dancing with a big smile on her face. She plants her feet apart and swings her hips. Precious! Her current favorite toy is her Cabbage Patch Aspen doll. Anna Fitzwater got it for her when she was born. It's a specially made doll named Aspen Ensley, so we call her Little Aspen! Aspen carries her everywhere she goes and always needs a baby. She also likes Lincoln's cars, trucks, and trains. The little house/door play center that Anna also gave to us is one of her favorite things to do in the house. She loves pushing the buttons and listening to the music. If I'm working on Thirty-One business at the table she wants to sit with me and draw. She loves making doodles on the paper. She's also the only one at the table when we eat out that colors. Lincoln only has eyes for his trucks! She can blow her nose, and tells us when her diaper is stinky. She's very interested in the potty and likes to sit on it. Let's hope potty training goes quickly!

What Lincoln is wearing

2T-3T shorts (3T only if they have adjustable waist, some are even 24 months!!)

3T-4T pants (adjustable waist, needs 4T for length this fall)

3T-4T shirts - we are buying 4T for fall/winter

Size 10 shoes

Lincoln is still very much in love with the Cars movies. He has all the cars at home and plays with them every day. He still loves music and dances all the time. You'll often hear him singing or humming to himself while he plays. He sings songs from Cars movies, Sunday School, Mickey's Sing Along, and the Disney Movies we watch all the time. Right now it appears that The Little Mermaid is his favorite. With Tarzan or The Little Engine that Could being very close runners up. We got him his very first "big boy bike" with training wheels last month. He LOVES it!! He would ride it all day, every day if we would let him!! It's a Schwinn, and very nice! I hope Aspen likes it, she'll probably be riding it too!

Lincoln started Pre-School this month!! He is on Bust'r Bus, a free mobile pre-k program for Burke County. He goes Tuesday and Thursday from 10:15-12. The first day he went he screamed the ENTIRE ride there, "I don't want to go to Bust'r Bus! I don't want to get on the bus!!" He screamed the entire way up the stairs of the bus and was still crying when I walked away. Aspen and I went to the Food Lion just around the corner so we'd be close if they  had to call us to come get him. Fortunately, he made it through with no problems! His teachers said he didn't cry for more than 5 minutes and then was just fine and played with everyone. Phew. We've been back twice now and he's seemed to enjoy it. No more crying or tears. Here is our first day...soo sad! Notice the tears on his shirt!

We visited with mamaw a few weeks ago, a BIG surprise for her as Mom didn't tell her we were coming! We played in the creek and everyone got deliciously dirty!

Anthony was in the Soldier's Reunion parade in Newton for Carolina Orthopaedic Sepcialists. I had the joy of wrangling both kids while we watched the LONGEST PARADE OF MY LIFE! 

On the kidney front there is no news. Just continuing to do dialysis manually 4 times a day, sucking away 2 hours of our lives. No one else has been tested as a living donor, all the others who turned in paperwork were refused for one reason or another. We don't know why, and wouldn't know they were refused without them telling us. Unfortunately, the living donor coordinator at Baptist has left and there is a new girl in her place. That means that poor girl is trying to catch up, figure things out, and take over. When Anthony called a few weeks ago to check up on his possible donors she seemed very frazzled and not entire sure she knew what she was doing. There is one woman from Anthony's mom's church who was a potential donor and was called in to be tested, the week before Thanksgiving. She declined that appointment because of the holiday. They took that as dismissal entirely and shelved her info and didn't call her for a repeat appointment. So she is now filling out paperwork again and hopefully she will be allowed to be tested this time. Everything just feels like "hurry up and wait."

As of August Anthony has officially been on the transplant list for a year. The average for Baptist's wait list is 2-3 years. Hopefully we're getting close. I'm not sure how ready I am to take care of a patient recovering from a kidney transplant, but I'm ready for Anthony to be back to his old self again without dialysis sucking away his time.

On a sadder note, my grandmother, Moppy, is at Hospice. She's been home with hospice care for several months now and she continues to go downhill. She is in congestive heart failure and every single breath is a struggle. She is swelling from the fluids and needs constant oxygen.  I went to visit her at Hospice House yesterday and it made me very sad. She was heavily drugged and couldn't even make it through a sentence without falling asleep. I took her SweetFrog yogurt as a treat, but she could only eat a few bites. After talking with Mom last night she told me they had given her a new antibiotic for her kidney infection and had reacted poorly, that's why she was so swollen and out of it when I visited yesterday. Hopefully she will be well enough to come home again, but I fear she won't be around to see another Christmas.