Thursday, January 24, 2013


I don't even know where to start. There are so many emotions running around right now. My brain is just swimming...

*Aspen has a UTI so she's on an antibiotic. She HATES medicine so it's very hard to get her to keep it in her mouth. The doctor just changed her meds so now she takes twice as much...blah.
*Because of Anthony's kidney issues Aspen now has to have an ultrasound of her kidneys to check out their formation...and one step past that...she also has to have what is called a VCUG where they use a catheter to push dye into her bladder then watch as it's voided through her kidneys and such. It's going to be terribly traumatic for all of us. She can't eat before she goes...and they're going to strap her down.
*Aspen has been wearing her band for a little over 11 weeks now. Originally they said 10-12 weeks, now it looks like more of 16 or so. But it changes every time we go....every two weeks we're driving to Charlotte. 
*Lincoln has been coughing since before Christmas. Nothing they can do about it, probably just a virus. But he's on a second z-pak for any possible infection since the cough has been around so long. Snot is running out his nose like water.
*Both kids have a fever of 101.3. Guessing they're sharing whatever virus one of them picked up. So on top of antibiotics it's also motrin for everyone. 
*Anthony has been sickly this week, just not feeling well...coughing and snotting. 
*Shawn is not a potential kidney donor anymore. He was tested Tuesday and they found he had a kidney stone so now he's not a candidate. 
*I can't go to breastfeeding support group because both kids have a fever, and I'm nice enough to keep my kids home when they're sick instead of sharing germs with everyone else.

I'm just so tired. I'm tired of my beautiful baby girl having her head covered up all the time by this stupid helmet. I want to have my  normal baby back. I want to put her headbands back on, I want people not to stare at me every time we walk out of the house. I don't want to hear people say "awww" when they look at her...I know it's out of pity because they don't know what to say. Just be quiet! I'm tired of this terrible thing called dialysis and the time it steals from us. Two hours a day are wasted by having to exchange fluids that Anthony's bum kidneys can't filter. So he can't pick up the kids, he can't help me in the kitchen, he can't even stand up for half that time. I'm SOOO tired of driving to Charlotte. My poor Saturn Vue just turned over 100K!! Now my poor baby has even more doctor's appointments and will be invaded even more. This new thing is going to be awful. All because there's a family history of kidney now she's going to be strapped down while dye is shoved inside her so the doctors can see if there's any reflux in the kidney. Plus we have to have a renal ultrasound done. Plus she has a "normal" baby well check coming up. Now both kids are on antibiotics, Lincoln's taking cough medicine, and both are taking something for fever. Who knows how much sleep we'll get tonight with both of them feeling sickly. I'm tired of being in doctor's offices, I'm tired of wiping snotty noses, I'm tired of forcing medicine into Aspen's mouth that she just wants to spit back at me. I'm tired of listening to Lincoln cough so much he wakes himself up. Now Anthony doesn't have a possible donor anymore. Poor Shawn was heartbroken, too. I mean, maybe the hospital will call someone else, but that hasn't been the case yet. Hopefully one of his other potential donors will also be tested and will match. I have to admit our families were already making plans...if Shawn was a match we were going to wait until the summer when Misty was off from school. We already thought it through. Sigh...

I know there are a lot of people out there who have it much worse off than I do. I am fully aware that there are terrible things happening around the world. But right now, this night...I have a right to be overwhelmed. I have a right to my emotions. I have the right to share my mind with the world, whether they want to listen or not. It just feels like so much all at one time. The saying goes that when it rains, it pours. And I have to say I'm drowning over here.


Belinda Mosteller said...

Aww :-( I'm so sorry ..I jus wanna give u a big ole hug from Mama Belinda ... I promise that it will be ok .. thru these past 3 1/2 years , my precious friend kept telling me that JOY COMES IN THE MORNING and it is true ... it really does ... so just hang in there. .. prayn for you ♥

Dawny B's Thoughts said...

How frustrating!! I don't know you, but I grew up with Anthony. To be honest I thought too were super woman simply because you haven't complained. Its okay to let it out and get mad. I think that it will make you stronger. I wish that I could help you guys!! I feel like everyone that knows you and Anthony should be tested as a possible kidney donor. I can't imagine going through half of what you guys are going through. I'm a message, text or call away. I may be a new friend to you, but I'm willing to help any way I can. I'm a stay at home mom as well, so I can talk or listen if you need me.

jan said...

Thinking of you during this difficult time. Prayers going up for you and the family! I will be in the nursery sunday second service....and I can probably get someone else to help me. I will text you. Love and prayers! Call me anytime!

amy said...

So sorry friend. Watching children suffer is the hardest thing. Addi has rsv and ayd still sick too. But you have even more than sick kids, your love is hurting too and not being able to help any of them is so excruciating. I picture this is how God felt watching Jesus on the cross for our wrongs. Sometimes that thought overwhelms me. We will pray for strength for you and healing for your family.